This was the first and only time I would see your heart beating. Your little wriggling body seemed to tell me stories of how much you had wanted to be here in April next year.
Maybe the same birthday as your Papa?
But it was not to be. Maybe you were too special to be in this world.
I would ask frequently then, why would I be given a child that I could never meet and raise as my own. But of course, I find no answer….
Now, I am thankful to have held you in my womb for 9 weeks, however short it can be. You have shown me that it is possible to multiply my love for another child other than your little big sister.
And I seek comfort in knowing that you will be safe in the hands of our Lord, and you will never know fear or pain here..
I am sorry for all the negative thoughts I might have, after realizing I had you. I had plans, but now I realized no plan is ever bigger than carrying a healthy baby to full term.
I guess time will not heal. The pain of losing you seems to be always lingering. The pain of dreams and plans for you can never be realized.
I will long for the day when I can finally see and hold you in my arms when we reunite in Heaven one day.
Will you call out to me?